Today was the release of O level results, I waited in agony and fear. I really didn’t know what to expect at all because I know it deep down in my heart, i’m not a studious kid, neither am i an all rounder. Nevertheless, i studied my ass off, i put in so much time and effort. Almost everyone i knew expected much from me, but i disappointed them time again and again. It’s not like i didn’t try, i really wanted to be smart and score well too.
I was completely dissolved in tears the entire hour upon receiving my results and when it was announced that we were to leave the hall, I cried even harder because… …. I RAN OUT OF TISSUE. Ridiculous you may think. But I was THAT depressed that my hard work didn’t actually pay off, did it?
Then again, i’ve got friends who did remarkable. They’ve got the immediate JCs/Poly courses they want to enrol into… BAM!…. and then there’s… … me. Just last month, my TMC friends created a Whatsapp group chat where they talk about everything and anything.
But when they started congratulating each other and exchanging grades last afternoon, i was like “man… i doubt i even belong here anymore. I think i might just be the worst person to be here…” It’s not that i was jealous or anything, I just don’t want to demoralise myself further, despite knowing that most, or rather, all of them are way beyond intelligent and i’m not even cut for good courses in the polytechnics…
then i left the chatroom.
So i declined many who tried to reach me the whole day, i didn't want anyone to know how i screwed this major examination up. One of the very few people that i know don't usually perform well in school was Caleb. I’d thought since we have been in similar situations for 2 whole years, he’d understand how i felt better. I talked to him, and yeah, it really was another similar case. Our grades were about there… But he was so optimistic about his results, which i look up to. “At least I passed. My mum thought I would either fail or retain.”——It were the exact same words my mum said. Both our grades were HALVED. I thought it wasn’t too bad since we improved sooooo much, but it wasn’t good enough to bring me to a course i truly desire. I was so afraid that if i told my friends my score, they would… ... Leave me.
I did receive many forms of encouragement from all over and most bible versus revolved around God showing me the right way and he will be with me wherever I go. At this point of time, i can’t be sure if God really wanted me to choose this path… But because he’s my father, I believe following his plans for me would bring me somewhere. It may take a longer route to get to what I really want, but i’m sure with absolute Faith and Trust in Him, I’ll get there someday. Jesus, take it all and be the center of my life, and till forevermore.
